30 December 2010

Predictions 2011 (part 2)

June :
In an attempt to increase its membership Facebook has decided to start a sister organization called Crotchbook.
Here members can Date/ Go out with /  Blind date / Marry and 'do' other activities without ever having to see the other person in person. Though users are advised that "Poking" someone has a whole new meaning in Crotchbook.

July :
India, Germany and Japan have a face-off as to who would get that 6th and last U.N security council seat.
India was poised to lose the competition on account of troublesome exports in the form of  Aishwarya Rai and Mallika Sherawat.
but at the last moment the PM called up Niira Radia to lobby India to the UNSC.
India won when Radia employed the same slogan that got A.Raja his cabinet berth

August :
Akshay Kumar restarted the Masterchef India franchise with a new twist, the show would be about men beating their housewives/ girlfriends, and hence it would be known as masterbeater India

Rahul Mahajan won the first edition of the show for beating up his wife Dimpy, he had this to say
" i was a masterbeater ever since i was 13 years of age, i do it every now and then, i am the Masterbeater..yayyyyyyy"

September :

Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh termed his hairstyle dangerous to the Environment,
he added " My locks have confused bees birds and skunks all over the country, mostly skunks, i have already told my barber that i want the Leo cut, hes so environmentally handsome !"

October : Hritik Roshan attempted to revive his career on a movie on the 2G scandal, Hritik played A.Raja in the film.

The film was an addition to Hritik's list of Flops

Atleast the audience liked Rehmaan's Song "Raja mere Raja, Cabinet mein samaja "

Hritik is now working with his dad on GuzaKrissh.

November : Sonam kapoor has consulted a numerologist and changed her name to 'So-dull Kapoor', the numerologist was heard saying " wow that was a joke, did she realy do it "

In other news Facebook started a Service Called Phonebook,
Users can now add friends' contacts on to their Phone and Call them via a technology known as 'network service'.
Users are ecstatic with the idea of such a novel system, one user said
" i cant believe i can actually talk to my friends, Facebook is such a genius "

December : In what is known as 'Sweet scam', Sharad Pawar has been accused of another food scam as all the sweet goods of the market have disappeared but healthy crops are readily available

Pawar quickly held a press conference and revealed who was really responsible for the scam.

27 December 2010

Predictions 2011 part 1

January :
Pakistan's foreign minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi or SMQ as hes fondly called asks India to surrender Sachin Tendulkar for the possible damage he would cause to Pakistans reputation at the forthcoming World cup. After days of negotiations Pakistan gave India all its Onions to help its neighbor through a food crisis, in return India gave Pakistan custody of Yuvraj Singh. Shortly after the deal SM Krishna said it was a Win-Win for both countries.

February :
Parliament's Budget session convenes & the opposition boycotts the session due to their JPC demand being rejected. Speaker of the Lok Sabha Meira Kumar institutes a 75% attendance requirement or else the members wont get tickets for the next election.
Opposition speaker Sushma Swaraj had this to say  "No ticket for No attendance ?, i cannot comprehend any such system existing anywhere else"

March :
The Cricket World cup starts and India reaches the final to be played with Pakistan.
The last ball of the match is bowled and Pak's Umar Gul bowls a No-Ball and India were thought to have Won.
But right then Shah Mehmood Qureshi demanded a Dossier of Proof that such a No-Ball had been bowled.
Talks are now scheduled in June to determine the Winner of the match. America has expressed that the matter be solved peacefully.


April : State Elections take place in West Bengal,
Mamata ( pronounced MOMO-ta) Banerjee's party TMC won the election against an incumbent CPI(M).
In what is a political masterstroke Banerjee began a fresh agitation against her own State Government. The CPI(M) in a reflex move supported the Government and were ( ironically ) left Red faced.

May : Aamir Khan and Salman Khan Began Filming for Andaaz Apna Apna 2.
The film is not expected to release till December 2015 as Aamir Khan has decided to research the role for a full 2 years and Salman is practicing an Indian accent to fit the scripts Requirements.

26 December 2010

Scams, lies and Digvijay

Mumbai : The Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) has given up its investigation of the 2G scam and the CWG scam, after multiple raids on Kalmadi, Raja and Radia, the head of the bureau said on thursday that " We cannot afford to Raid any more people. We lack the forensic experts and enough lock pickers to open the Suspects' lockers and doors. "

The Home ministry has now transferred the Case to The C.I.D in hope that inspector Pradyumna can single handedly solve this case,

On being Contacted Pradyumna had this to say " we are already on it, within half an hour by the end of this show we shall find the culprit of this heinous crime, after all we have Daya to break doors for us "

This was followed by a press conference by Politician Digvijay Singh where he stated that " the Home ministry has got this all wrong, Hindu extremists have given Spectrum allocations and the CWG committee was headed secretly by Hindu activists."

25 December 2010

Mukherjee Tries New Approach

New Delhi :
In the latest attempt to appease the opposition on the 2G scam, Pranab Mukherjee suggested that the JPC demand be dropped by the BJP,CPI(M) in return, the Prime Minister would face the toughest judicial committee in the land,The Indian Idol jury. The finance minister said " the authenticity of the idol jury has no doubt in anyones mind, The PM will pass with flying colours. "
 On hearing this Anu Malik was ecstatic... he said " i speak for the idol jury when i say, tan tana tan tan tan tara... chalta hai kya nau se bara " Mr Malik was about to break into his enormous architectural ballad hit 'Oonchi hai building' , but the press had to go home at some point.

The opposition headed by Arun Jaitley had this to say, " the govt. is trying to take the focus off this scam, even being questioned by Dolly Bindra has no meaning to the Opposition, even though that would make for some sweet T.V.
Mr Jaitley went ahead and repeated his rhetoric of 'shadyantra',' conspiracy', 'Raja ka band baja', and 'onion make me cry ', but the full transcripts cannot be provided as the laptop being used had only 80 Gb of hard drive space.

Communist leader Sitaram Yechury added " time has come for Communism to thrive in this land once more. " the press conference abruptly ended in the howling laughter of the journalists.